How to Become a Religious Hypocrite in 10 Easy Lessons (Written by a Christian)

The Einstein Pool, a science fiction novel by Jake Danger
 

1. Clean the outside of the cup.

It really doesn't matter what you do, as long as you look good doing it. It is imperative, however, that you commit only those sins that are easy to disguise - actions taken out of greed, spite, envy, etc. can easily be explained while sins like smoking and drinking are harder to deny. After all, "I told the whole congregation about your [insert sin here] in order to confront you so that you would repent" will float a lot better than "What you think you see in my mouth is not really a Marlboro, you're hallucinating and need to see a doctor".

 

2. Look for the speck in your brother's eye.

Your purpose here is to accumulate power by winning moral authority over others. To do this you need a keen eye for their sins (actually they need not be sins at all, as long as they can be easily portrayed as such - playing poker or billiards, for example, or even watching Hollywood movies).

 

3. Conduct a secret war against those whose hearts and minds you mean to rule.

Now that you can spot a sin a mile away (except, of course, when it appears in mirror image), go on the attack. YOU CANNOT BE STRAIGHTFORWARD ABOUT THIS or you will be accused of being mean, judgmental and unforgiving. Instead, master the art of insinuation.

 

The most effective way is simply to call attention to things. "Hey, Darryl, is this your Budweiser in the fridge?" Of course it is since it's not yours, and you and Darryl are the only two people living in the house. But hey, you just wanted to make sure. If Darryl can't find the soup he just bought - well, you put it in the cupboard, RIGHT NEXT TO THAT CARTON OF CAMELS. Another way is to bring things up in a loving manner: "We all forgive you for [insert alleged sin here]..." thus killing two birds with one stone - calling attention to his “sin” while at the same time letting everyone know how merciful you are.

 

If Darryl is not around, you can gossip about him to your heart's content - as long as you preface it with "Let's all pray for Darryl about [insert sin here]".

 

4. Little things are important.

MAKE SURE TO SAY GRACE BEFORE EVERY MEAL (not necessary if you are eating alone). If Darryl arrives late for a meal, wait until he (hopefully) starts eating without first having received Authorization from God, and then drop the bomb - "Yeah, I already said grace before you arrived so it's OK to eat now". If he pretends not to notice, wait 30 seconds and repeat the remark. This one is brilliant - you get to call attention to his sin of Not Saying Grace (repeat: make sure to wait until he takes his first bite - after all, you can't call attention to sins he doesn't commit), and at the same time, emphasize in the most indirect manner that you're compensating for his sins by interceding to God on his behalf. Now he owes you something! You can call it in later.

 

5. Get with the program.

Hypocritical holiness is more than just a list of "don’ts" - there is a rather long list of

"do's" as well:

(1) Sing loudly, join 57 church committees; etc.

 

(2) Get the Jesus bumper sticker, the Jesus T-shirt, the Jesus bowling ball...

 

Even your email passwords should feature the name of Jesus. REMEMBER - the most important  person  you need to deceive  is YOURSELF.  After all, if you can't even deceive  yourself,  how  can you deceive  others?  Your  ultimate  goal  is to reap  the benefits that flow from unholy behavior while still retaining your good opinion of yourself. Study this article, let it seep deeply into your unconscious mind, and then forget it (consciously, anyway).

 

By the way, this is a great way to get an indulgence from God - after all, how can He charge you with sin when you're SO sincere, even in your own mind?

 

(3) Volunteer to lead a Bible study.

This serves several purposes simultaneously:

 

(i) It increases your moral authority.

Since it's your Bible study, you're the boss.

 (ii) You can win converts to hypocrisy.

In other words, it's a great way to add people to your spiritual downline. The best Bible study class is full of people with visible sins like smoking, etc. Find a subtle way to suggest to them that if they quit smoking, they will win the right to go out and, within 12 hours of quitting, chide former smoking buddies about the un-holiness of smoking.

 

After  all,  what's  more  satisfying  -  sucking  on  a  Marlboro  or  basking  in  moral authority over smokers? By now you should know a thing or two about what's really satisfying in life, and you need to light the path for others. NEVER say this directly - don't worry, they'll pick up on your example, and it's SO easy to deny...

 

(iii) It adds yet another entry to your Spiritual Resume. Boy won't God be impressed...

 

(iv) You can recruit confederates in your secret war against the Authentic. See below for details.

 

6. Don't neglect periodic token admissions of your residual sinfulness. Thus calling attention to your ASTOUNDING humility...

 

7. How to cash in

Never mind - there are a thousand subtle ways to turn power into money. Besides, doesn't the psychological power alone get you off? C'mon, admit it.

 

8. Can you still commit good, old fashioned visible sins?

Of course you can. "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Just DON'T GET CAUGHT.

 

9. Know your enemy.

As a professional counterfeit your most dangerous enemy is the Authentic. In fact, his (or her) very existence  is a threat to you - standing  side by side with him, your phoniness will stand out in stark contrast. It's like kryptonite. This person must be neutralized, converted, or crucified.

 

Fortunately   these  people   are  sinners   too,  and  since  they  tend  to  focus   on transformation from the inside out, their sins are usually right up front where the whole world can see them. See above for how to attack him on this and come out smelling like a rose.

 

But an ordinary attack might not be enough; if not, extraordinary measures must be taken:

 

(i) Recruit confederates to help you. Raid your Bible study for help (don't worry, the Authentic will never attend your Bible study more than once, thus giving you another “sin” to call attention to in front of your Bible students when he's not around)

 

(ii) Spread rumors behind his back.

See above for details. If the Authentic picks up on any of this and calls you on it, gently (and indirectly) suggest that he's paranoid and advise Christian counseling. If he falls for this one, you can recommend a fellow hypocrite as counselor and in this way worm your way deep into his brain. Pretty soon you'll have him converted into twice the son of Hell that you are.

 

Your ultimate goal with the Authentic is his guilty, contrite submission to your moral authority as your subordinate, and his conversion to recruiting his own hypocritical subordinates (again adding to your spiritual down-line!).

 

If he won't submit, then he will have to be utterly discredited so that he can no longer infect others with the virus of authenticity. Stepped-up attacks on his reputation are the  most  effective.  Get  people  believing  that  he's  either  (i)  mentally  ill,  (ii)  a compulsive liar, or (iii) a sexual predator. These are the three best time-tested ways to ensure that no one will listen to the accused anymore. If that doesn’t work, accuse him of (gasp!) smoking dope.

 

You need not prove any of this - simply (and indirectly) insert a seed of doubt into the frightened minds of timid people and they will avoid him “just in case”. After a few people are avoiding him, you can subtly point out to his remaining supporters just how many people are avoiding him, thus buttressing a case that you need never admit to making in the first place!

 

Oh, the beauty of it all...

 

10. What to do if you get caught

(i) Lie your way out of it, then go on the offensive (through insinuation, of course). Emphasize how you - unlike them - never, ever “judge others”. Then proceed to lay all sorts of indirect judgments on them. Be sure to be indirect enough to maintain Plausible Deniability with respect to your true motivations; otherwise you will be accused of being not only judgmental, but hypocritical as well.

 

(ii) If you get caught lying about your lies and you can't get out of it (read: Ted Haggard, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggert, ad nauseum, ad infintum), then make a token confession ("Ah have SINNED!" plus copious tears usually does the trick) then put the onus on them to exercise “forgiveness”. Then you're right back in business!

 

Repeat steps (1) through (10) until dead and facing God. The ultimate test of your skills will be whether or not you can pull it off one last time…


The Einstein Pool, a Christian science fiction novel by Jake Danger